Like many people, I’ve been around animals my entire life.  Growing up, I was around animals at our family ranch.  My cousins had goats and a donkey. At home, we had ducks, geese, rabbits, chickens, dogs, and cats.  When I was older, I had horses, sheep, and later, exotic birds. But the one thing I’ve always had was a dog.  No matter what, no matter what stage of life I was in, there was always a dog.

Every animal I’ve owned was special, and my horse Charlie held a special place in my heart, just a little bit different than the other animals.  And I think many horse people can relate that horses have a beautiful healing quality about them.  Any animal can, of course.  But then, ten years ago, Zoey and Dexter came into my life.

Zoey was tall and lanky when she grew up, part Anatolian, so pretty, so loving.  She was a rescue animal, as most of our animals were.  After she was home, just a couple days later, I was approached to foster a dog “for just a while,” a dog that Zoey had been with most of her six months of life.  When Kristen brought him, she apologetically said to me, “I think he’s part hound.”  He looked part something, for sure.  But I didn’t mind the hound part.  Two hours later someone called to see the dog (at that time the dog was named Joey) and my heart jumped.  “Sorry,” I said.  “He’s been adopted.”  It was then I learned I was a “foster failure” but this goofy dog belonged with us.  And we named him Dexter.

So the years went by, and life continued as it does.  Sadly, we lost Zoey when she was eight years old to a debilitating physical ailment.  There were still our sweet cats, and Dexter, always Dexter.  At over a hundred and twenty pounds, he never hurt even a fly.  Literally.  My kids moved to places of their own, and the cats went with them. The only animal at home was Dexter.

Dexter was goofy, loving, and curious.  He never met a soul he didn’t like.  He was with me during some of the best times I have known, as well as the hardest and the most bittersweet.  His hound-ish bark was endearing to me.  His last year was difficult as he was having problems walking, and when you add medications and more medications and try everything else, there is only one thing left to do because it’s best for them.  For Dexter.  It wasn’t best for me.  In April, we said our last goodbye to him and yesterday, Dexter would have been ten years old.

For the first time in my life, I don’t own an animal.

For the first time in my life, the pain is too deep, too painful, too raw to open my heart to my own animal. 

Soon after Dexter left, my sweet next-door neighbor made me homemade bread, and butter and brought these to me along with yellow flowers and a card.  An anonymous friend sent me a picture frame, with “Dexter” etched into the wood. I don’t remember mourning this deeply over an animal, ever, but I am and it’s OK.  Writing this makes the pain deeper, but at the same time, the pain is beginning to soften at times.

However, I’ve been blessed with something incredible.  And maybe, at times, we have to find the blessings around us.  I realized I’ve had these blessings around me for a while.  Sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of our eyes until…we finally see.

I’m literally surrounded by animals.  They may not be mine, but they lift my soul.

I’m able to “borrow” my next-door neighbor’s dog from time to time.  Ryan comes over and plays, he has his own water bowl, and a toy he enjoys that Dexter never seemed interested in.  I’m also near three mini-cows, and they wander over to the fence for treats.  There are other animals, too: Willow, Merlin, Stanley, and a collection of exotic-looking chickens make their presence known.  I like to hear roosters crowing.  When dusk falls, the farm next door starts to sleep, but I still feel the gentle presence of these animals.

I’m around horses again, too. Another medicine for the soul.

OK, so maybe you think I’m crazy, going on and on about animals.  That’s OK because it’s my kind of crazy.  But it’s also my way of healing and the fact that I’m immersed with so many animals in my life…coincidence?  I think not. 

Get a dog, you might be thinking.  Get a cat.  Get another animal so you’ll “heal.”  That way, you’ll fill your heart again.

Well, my heart is already full.  I am healing. In fact, it’s overflowing with animals.  They’re not mine, but they’re a part of my life.

One day when it’s right, I’ll get another dog.  As much as my heart longs for a new dog, I also know that it’s not time.  Not yet. 

Believe me when I say I’m at peace for all that’s transpired. It’s not just about the animals I’m at peace with but about my life in general.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

I’m thankful for everything, even for the things that hurt at times.  It’s through these experiences that we grow.

And now I’ll close this off by saying one last thing:  Thank you, Dexter.  You made me a better human and I’ll love you forever.